· Inauthenticity – Reflecting back which doesn’t actually lead to you feeling heard (unless we spend enough time with the discomfort to experience a shift)
· Conflating listening with agreement – holding space for someone’s experience (ie empathic listening) doesn’t mean you agree with what they say.
· Binary paradigms – We are trying to hold space for the complexity of both your lived experiences and not make any of it wrong because when we enter into the right/wrong paradigm, shame increases and dialogue becomes less effective
· Finding ‘enoughness’ in truth and connection – We need to find a way to express ourselves so it’s not immediately controversial for the other person (otherwise, shut down/reactivity) AND we want to express our full truth and not hold back from what is true for us (otherwise, resentment/ anger afterwards)
This space is for NVC practitioners, whether you are beginning your journey with NVC or you have been practicing it for decades.
This month we will explore what comes up in our bodies reading this article on ‘Black Joy’ in the pursuit of racial justice and notice disconnection, defensiveness, reaction, envy … and particularly invite enquiry into how behavioural patterns based on envy can show up in our white-bodied ways.
About Unlearning Racismfor white NVC practitioners
Unlearning Racism is a support space for white people interested in NVC and we meet monthly. Info here
It is co-held under the umbrella of pre-emptive work by the Conflict Transformation Weave.
For those of you who are interested in conflict facilitation, understanding systemic issues such as explicit and internalised racism, class, gender inequality, neurodivergence and physical mobility and how different aspects of these identities ‘intersect’ (or ‘crossroad’ each other) is essential.
It’s also essential as a facilitator to have a sense of how your own social identities impact and inform your experience (who can you easily empathise with and who not, as just one example) and a sense of how other people experience you as you show up in all the glory of the intersecting features of your identity.
In our April 2023 Unlearning Racism support space for white people, we looked at Intersectionality and why an intersectional lens is important, particularly when considering the complex marginalisations that happen around race.
Ijeoma Oluo in Chapter 5 of her book So, you want to talk about Race explores personally how
Their queer identity may be overlooked by anti racist movements
Their black identity may be overlooked by feminist or queer movements
Their middle class identity may cause them to overlook poor people in all movements
This is the essence of Intersectionality: it is an invitation to explore our identities in order that parts of us don’t fall through the cracks of connection, and that we might be better equipped to understand other people’s experiences of marginalisation.
What we did in the session
If you missed the session, we watched 3 min section starting at 56 mins https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByiEt0hpmkk (total video length 1hr 18 mins and we will discuss parts of this video in the future)
We then explored these questions:
What would be the areas of identity you might overlook or not notice because they are not part of your identify?
Whose experience would be inaccessible to you because of that?
And What action might you take to counter this or do this differently?
For example, I’m a cis-woman, I put my pronouns on my screen as an act of solidarity with non binary people
Im an able boded person, I try to name accessibility in venues I use, so disabled people don’t have to always ask for the information they need to come along.
I’m a white man. I tend to read books by other white men. I can create change by finding my knowledge and learning in works by black women, or people from the Global South.
We then went on to ask this question
What other examples can you think of, that if you didn’t hold awareness of different identities people occupy, that part of their experience would go unacknowledged, and could create huge conflict and imbalance in life?
Further exploration …. How Intersectionality evolved as a concept
You can watch Kimberley Crenshaw talk about the original case involving Emma Degraffenreid that led to coining the term Intersectionality. https://youtu.be/JRci2V8PxW4 (5.50 mins)
Emma Degraffenreid was an African American who didn’t get a job in a car plant that employed African American men on the factory floor and white women as secretarial support in the office. Her lawsuit for discrimination was thrown out because black men were being employed and white women were being employed. But Emma Degraffenreid faced double discrimination as an African American woman and the law refused to understand her experience and tossed the case out of court. Kimberly Crenshaw advocated that there was no name for the problem, and when you can’t name or frame a problem, you can’t solve it, hence the need for a lens, such as Intersectionality to see Emma’s dilemma.
An ‘Intersection‘ is more commonly used in the US than the the UK. It’s simply where two roads meet, so if the word crossroads or junction provides a visual image that might support understanding, go for it!
About Unlearning Racism
Unlearning Racism is a support space for white people interested in NVC and we meet monthly. Info here
It is co-held under the umbrella of pre-emptive work by the Conflict Transformation Weave.
For those of you who are interested in conflict facilitation, understanding systemic issues such as explicit and internalised racism, class, gender inequality, neurodivergence and physical mobility and how different aspects of these identities ‘intersect’ (or ‘crossroad’ each other) is essential.
It’s also essential as a facilitator to have a sense of how your own social identities impact and inform your experience (who can you easily empathise with and who not, as just one example) and a sense of how other people experience you as you show up in all the glory of the intersecting features of your identity.
Navigate which is a UK based collective supporting groups to organise, deal with challenges, and deliver on purpose has created this resource which will guide you through Understanding purpose and power, Decision making, Engaging with conflict, Feedback and Care and community support.
You can do it at your own pace and you can bring it to your groups to work through together.
Jana and Paul who have largely put this together, with support from other colleagues at Navigate, are very inspired by the work of Miki Kashtan (NGL, Fearless Heart) and Dominic Barter (Restorative Systems) and is related to the vision of Nonviolent Communication of a world that works for all.
We want to create a space for generative conversation around gender identity and trans inclusion to support increased understanding and an alternative to a ‘who is right’ debate.
The labels and language used in discussions of gender identity are painful, polarising and continue the cycles of disconnection. On mainstream media, participants are selected to create the most polarised opinions.
We want to offer an embodied experience, a different way of hearing what’s important and what’s painful for people. We want to create an experience of mutual understanding, greater togetherness and collective power. We want a sense of progress and greater awareness of the pain of this polarisation and a greater commitment to having this conversation differently.
We have shifted from our original idea of two events in January/February 2023 around this and instead will have several conversations over a longer time period. We acknowledge that everyone has a different relationship to this discussion, with various degrees of painful impact. We want to find a more healing way forward.
If you are interested in following our progress, please contact ceribuckmaster@gmail.com and vivslack@gmail.com
The Conflict Transformation Weave and Laura Harvey welcome you to a space to explore personal and collective responses to the Ukraine/Russian/Current global crisis.
After an introduction, we will break out according to whether you are needing:
a) space for empathy
b) space to grieve
c) space to understand the situation/ talk about it / share perspective
d) space for prayer/meditation
e) other
Request
If anyone is involved in responses to the current crisis which you would like to talk about for 3-4 minutes at the beginning of the session, please get in touch with Laura Harveylauraharvey@sharedspace.org.uk or Viv SlackVivslack@gmail.com , who will curate a brief sharing session in the opening 20 mins or so of the call. Your actions/information may be useful for all of us as we orient ourselves to this crisis.
Discussions/information
Here are several helpful discussions/workshops about the crisis.
Professor Paul Rogers from Bradford University and invited by Peace News to gave an overview of the Ukraine crisis and how we got here.
Demilitarise U – US veterans for peace organisation share perspectives on propaganda and misleading narratives, the dangers of US militarized intervention and how we got to this place
The Conflict Transformation Weave has run the programme ‘Building Restorative Systems’ twice a year since 2018 – and it’s developed enormously in scope and depth since our first six week offering. People have told us many times that the content is really valuable – and also that they would like support as they encourage their groups and communities to embrace the idea of walking towards conflict.
‘Mentoring for Building Restorative Systems’ is the result of this feedback. We want to support you in fanning the restorative flame.
About the programme
This programme offers the opportunity to:
reflect deeply on your own relationship with conflict
deepen your understanding of what it takes to transform conflict
review what you’ve achieved so far and plan your next steps
strength your skills in supporting transformative conversations and groups
explore the implications of power and privilege in your circles
tap into the skills and experience of a supportive group.
Four sessions will be devoted to exploration, reflection and practical strategies.
Alternating with those sessions will be three devoted exclusively to practice of:
specific micro-skills
mediations / supported conversations
hosting restorative circles
Is this for you?
In order for participants to get the greatest benefit from this programme and have some common understanding, we ask that you have experience in the form of one or other of the following*:
completion of one of our ‘Building Restorative Systems’ programmes
completion of another substantial training in restorative processes
considerable experience of working with NVC and conflict
*Please talk to us if you would like to join the programme but you’re unsure if your experience fits.
Schedule
Seven x 2 hr sessions
What to do next
Please let us know your interest info@ctw-uk.com and we will inform you of the next opportunity.
Thank you for your attendance and/or interest in the Conflict Transformation Weave’s Community Conversation – Understanding Whiteness on Friday 19th November 2021.
I know many more of you were interested in this Conversation than were able to attend.
We began looking at these Books
In A Race is a Nice Thing to Have, Dr Janet Helms explores 6 lenses of whiteness, through which we interpret racial events, race and racism; and how important it is for white people to understand and free themselves from the ‘rules of whiteness.
She advocates asking the question ‘How is racism playing out in our organisation or network?’
InWhat white people can do next, Emma Dabiri discusses how overly focusing on ‘performative allyship’ and worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing replaces the solidarity we need. She explores how we need to be talking about class, capitalism and sources of oppression. She advocates building a coalition around shared interests, figuring out people’s material needs and working together to organise a workplace or community.
Here is a short video (15 mins) with the framing of the evening. You also get the questions.
The questions we asked about how white supremacy is showing out in our contexts and organisations are helpful for ongoing reflection.
We are going to co-host an Understanding Whiteness Study Group beginning in January 2022 on these dates Once a month Sunday 30th January 10am – 11.30am Sunday 27th February 10am – 11.30am Sunday 27th March 10am – 11.30am April – June date tbc
After the Community Conversation on 19th November 2021, we will continue the journey of Understanding Whiteness in relation to our NVC practice, there will be a 6 month series of sessions to study and apply to our own contexts
Janet E Helms (2020) A Race is a Nice Thing to Have A Guide to Being a White Person or Understanding the White Persons in Your Life 3rd edition San Diego:Cognella
Emma Dabiri (2021) What White People Can Do Next From Allyship to Coalition Penguin Random House UK
Logistics
It’s like a book group.
You will need access to both books, either buying, ordering from local library (order now!) or sharing.
We’ll begin in January or February 2022
1 meeting a month for 1.5 hours.
We meet for 6 sessions.
We will rotate hosting the session. If you host the session, your task is to:
Come with some reflections on the material to begin the conversation
Facilitate ‘something to happen’
Clarify chapters to focus on in next session
We will definitely begin with weekend morning sessions and either continue with these or also include Midweek lunchtime options
Please try to commit to all 6 sessions.
The Conflict Transformation Weave (CTW) will continue to support this learning in NVC UK networks. Kate Gard Cooke has also been instrumental in bringing this group into being, contributing resource suggestions and energy.
The Books
In A Race is a Nice Thing to Have, Dr Janet Helms explores 6 lenses of whiteness, through which we interpret racial events, race and racism; and how important it is for white people to understand and free themselves from the ‘rules of whiteness.
She advocates asking the question ‘How is racism playing out in our organisation or network?’
InWhat white people can do next, Emma Dabiri discusses how overly focusing on ‘performative allyship’ and worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing replaces the solidarity we need. She explores how we need to be talking about class, capitalism and sources of oppression. She advocates building a coalition around shared interests, figuring out people’s material needs and working together to organise a workplace or community.
In the meantime,here are a couple of resources, you can watch/read to get a feel for the writers.
In our Community Conversation in advance of COP26, there was a palpable sense of togetherness with the emotions of facing this current moment, including space for despair, not knowing, shame and hopelessness.
There was a strong sense that NVC practice and needs awareness and advocacy can support with many elements of organising within social movements.
There was appreciation of this coming together as an NVC-fuelled community. Companionship and togetherness nourish us. We need to learn more and more about power, privilege, and living under patriarchy, white supremacy and this form of capitalism.
There was a sense of freedom and newness at the end. In the face of despair and not knowing, let’s play with that, together. We have nothing to lose.
We like to think of these questions we asked as an ongoing enquiry, and are part of what we are willing to look at within our community in these times of transition and breakdown.
Breakout 1
How can we be heard by those with political and structural power?
How do we believe change happens? How do we believe NVC can create change?
What blocks come up as you think about this?
Selected notes:
We can use empathy to contribute to changing stories that are told.
We can use empathy to validate all needs, of all stakeholders, including those with different views.
Stop ‘othering’ / dehumanising / judging
Keep learning about how power and privilege operates
What does it mean at an emotional level to face the truth of this moment? – to be with grief and despair.
We can focus on positive news stories of successful (nvc) community action to inspire, keep going, encourage, give hope (news about the French revolution sent ripples across the globe Motivational success stories can nurture hope, validation, entitlement and fuel activity)
We can increase capacity to be vulnerable, Going beyond the victim, perpetrator, rescuer dynamic.
We can mobililse to be more empowered. Initiate emotionally, grow up into responsible adult. What initiation rites can we create?
Proceed as if you matter, as if what you do matters.
Learn Emergent Strategy.
Change happens through a diverse range of methods that create pressure, unexpected snowballs. Change happens in unpredictable ways.
NVC practitioners can support people on the frontlines / taking to the streets.
Create a community force. Connecting to and speaking from love.
Help decision makers listen to scientists and us.
Blocks – hard to understand, overwhelming,
stories i tell myself,
shame that i dont know
shame that I have nothing to add,
Patriarchy says only special people have vision 🙁
We learn shame when showing up not knowing
Breakout 2
How can our NVC practice support and usher in the change that is needed?
What alliances do you need to make?
What networks can be forged for mutual support?
What healing do you need in order to play your part in this current moment?
Selected notes:
“I want us to learn three things that might help us face what may be coming: to find choice within; to honor our limits and know when to choose death; and to walk towards community and life as far as we find pathways to do so.” – Miki Kashtan
Let’s get more NVC folk in social movements.
We want networks of support, with needs consciousness, and be part of, going somewhere together.
Learn how to grieve
Togetherness – a movement towards something together – including as NVC UK community.
Recreating the collective.
Supporting young people / children, our present and future, maybe our future leaders.
Maybe they will create our world beyond patriarchy!
Our own healing includes talking with our children / families about power.
Sharing power – Power Anonymous groups!
Standing in my own power. Risking my significance.
Mourning for flow and ease – to know how to make a difference, to express my care, and to be understood for that – that the care and love is there.
Would love to be able to express how i really care and don’t know how.
Finding compassion and empathy for ‘the enemy’.
Not firing ‘the second arrow’.
Act as if my life depended on it, or act as if other people’s lives depended on it.
In the face of despair and not knowing, play with it all, we have nothing to lose
Not knowing what to do and using NVC for finding what we do want to do.
Connecting with others who value NVC. Motivating.
Building NVC UK community that includes awareness of what’s in the world, engaging.
Connecting with not knowing what to do and how to do it – companionship in that.
COMPANIONSHIP. BEAUTY IN THE TOGETHERNESS.
Calls to action in relation to Cop26
Cop26coalition.org Find your local hub and take action on 6 November
Defundclimatechaos.uk There are protests on 29 October, mainly in London
British government is set to approve a new oil field called ‘Cambo’ in the North Atlantic, 75 miles from Shetland. Inform yourself www.tinyurl.com/peacenews3666
If you are in Scotland, you can ask your MSP to add their names to the motions opposing Cambo (Monica Lennon’s motion number S6M-00722 and Mark Ruskell’s motion, number S6M-00720. You can also sign this FoE Scotland Petition www.tinyurl.com/peacenews3667
Inform yourself why this is a problem with the Greenpeace/WWF report from May, The Big Smoke: The Global Emissions of the UK financial Sector www.tinyurl.com/peacenews3670
Bank on our future has 2 min and 10 min online actions you can take to challenge banks funding fossil fuels. Their website also have printable signs and banners, social media images and more www.bankonourfuture.org
On twitter, you can tweet the chancellor Rishi Sunak to #CleanupBanks with a new climate finance law www.clicktotweet.com/gif90
You can switch your bank and tell them why you are leaving. This ‘Market forces’ site will tell you how to check if they’re funding fossil fuels and walk you through the process. www.tinyurl.com/peacenews3572
Divestment: Pressure institutions to stop investing in fossil fuel companies
If you are near Chichester, Sussex, here is an upcoming demo you can join www.tinyurl.com/peacenews3674
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